I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
organizing the empties. That sober.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
