I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I think I won the penis lottery.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
