how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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