If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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