I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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