Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
