I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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