They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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