He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
