The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
