You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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