Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
