one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The beer is more important than you right now.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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