So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
