he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
