Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dude i'm inner monologue high
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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