He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
