there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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