put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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