I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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