I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
