if i can run in heels then i can drive
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
