guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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