Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
