a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
