You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
