Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
