Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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