I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
