i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
