Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
