Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My feet surprised me
Randomize