Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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