Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
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