Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize