I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
