another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
