My pussy is not your playground.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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