she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize