and she was petting her beer can
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
