did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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