dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
