Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
