you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
