i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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