I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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