roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
