So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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