I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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