I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
