You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
