Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
