My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
