what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
