my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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